Conflating Validation with Value
You're already great as you are today - no need to spend big to prove it to anyone else!
“I really hope our bonuses come in at target… or maybe even above?” one of my banking colleagues mused as we walked into the elevator together.
“Honestly, I have no idea. The bonus calculation is such a black box I don’t even bother trying to figure it out. Also, you weren’t here yet, but in 2009 we basically got nothing. So, I make plans around the number that I see hit my bank account once it gets there.” I replied.
Laughing, he turned to me and said “Oh… well – I already spent mine. So let’s hope it’s at least what I thought it would be!”
Wow – I thought. This guy was a year behind me in the financial analyst program we were both completing, and I’d reviewed a lot of his underwriting as a sort of unofficial mentor. His work product was outstanding, so I would have expected the same sort of rigor when it came to the way he managed his money.
Yet - here was this same individual, treating his personal financial life like a trip to the slots table in Vegas. How was this possible?
Easy.
He was willing to pay a huge premium to display all of the outward markers of success. His motivation for working hard and doing well was 100% external.
He seemed to believe that external validation was the key to success, vs. trusting in his own inherent value.
In practice, this meant that all of his clothes were designer. He drove the latest model of the nicest car he could afford (which of course got better every year as he made more money).
He talked about money constantly, always highlighting his next splashy acquisition and how awesome it was going to be once he had it. He was focused on raises and bonuses and promotions - not as milestones for personal and professional growth, but rather as an input into the equation of how much he could spend on his next purchase.
He loved to pick up bar tabs around our office in Santa Monica, but only if other people saw him doing it.
Once I noticed that, I began to notice other things that bothered me. Things that stick with you and leave a bad taste in your mouth (kids these days call it “the ick”).
I felt like I didn’t know if he was ever being genuine, or if I just was being pulled into his ploy of “must appear successful at all times to all people” act since I was more senior that he was. It was off-putting enough that I ultimately distanced myself from him under the guise of deadlines and deals to close.
It was such a bummer because and he could be really cool (minus the weird money obsession) - and he already was successful.
He was articulate, funny, talented, and hardworking. He didn’t need any of the material nonsense that he was obsessed with in order to be respected. He would have been well-liked even if he walked to work instead of driving his Porsche. I don’t know if he knew this though, or if he would have believed it.
Ultimately? Even though he was doing well professionally, it wasn’t getting him anywhere financially. Because he spent everything he made, he started over at zero every year. Year after year after year.
If I had to guess where he’s at today, I’d say he’s probably on the same treadmill, lost somewhere in the jungle of Big Banking with just a single option: keep working in order to survive.
Keep working in order to pay for all the stuff purchased last week, last month, or last year to impress everyone else.
Keep working because you have no other choice.
Keep working because your net worth hovers around zero - sometimes negative.
Contrast him with one of my current clients: he drives a beat up pickup truck, wears dirty jeans, and has even dirtier fingernails - plus a bunch of faded tattoos on his hands and neck. He looks like the kind of guy you’d think twice about sitting down next to at a bar.
He is my plumber here in Boise and is one of the kindest, most genuine people I’ve ever met.
He also happens to have a net worth well into the 8 figures - and if you’ve read The Millionaire Next Door, this won’t surprise you in the least.
He could care less what other people think of his appearance. He spent his career focused on perfecting his craft, hiring a good team, and running his business to the best of his ability. He’s been through good times and hard times. He even lived out of his Bronco for a year as a single dad with two little girls to take care of.
His motivation for working hard and doing well is 100% internal - and people love him for it. He knows what he’s about and doesn’t play games. If he says he will do something, he does it. If he says something is a good idea, it’s because he truly thinks it’s a good idea - not because he’s trying to sell you something you don’t need.
His employees have great attitudes, show up on time, and are genuinely stoked to be on the job (I know this because of how many flipping plumbing problems we’ve had this year at our house and our ADU, but this is besides the point).
The other week, his office manager sent us a handwritten thank you note for our ongoing business. I was stunned when I opened the envelope - when I saw it in the mailbox I assumed we’d missed a final bill or there was some balance still outstanding.
Nope! Just one of his employees taking the time to pass along genuine appreciation for choosing their shop.
Looking back at how he got to where he is today, the story is pretty simple. He got to talking with a woman whose plumbing needed updating. While he was working, she told him about her “side hobby” of investing in real estate - mostly around college campuses.
He asked her to tell him more about it, and she did. As he built his life back up from zero, he used his extra money to buy investment properties instead of upgrading his car or his own home. This same woman eventually became his business partner. Now he owns more than 20 properties in multiple states and doesn’t need to work another day in his life if he doesn’t want to.
He works because he likes it. He likes to be out with customers. He likes his employees. He likes solving tangible problems for people every day. He just shows up, works hard, makes some poop jokes, and heads off to the next job.
His affect and way of being is so settled and so confident without needing to strive or try harder or do more or impress that he is truly a joy to be around. He attracts great people that want to get in on what he’s got going - no big surprise that he has loyal employees and virtually no turnover. Also no big surprise that his employees have no idea how wealthy he is.
What would even be the point? The ones that already love him would love him just the same - and there’s no upside in discovering who might have bad intentions by drawing attention to how much you have to lose.
So who is better off? An immaculately dressed banker or a plumber in dirty jeans?
Really, our contrast here is between
A) someone entirely focused on external validation and what they can do with their money to prove their worth to everyone else (yuck - needy and exhausting) and
B) someone that has no need for external validation, never talks about how much money they do or don’t have (except to me because he is my personal finance client!), and is fully present to the moment instead of constantly looking to the next thing (ah -refreshing and genuine).
Which would you rather be?
After all, both of these guys are awesome guys.
But one of them habitually obfuscated his awesomeness with pointless trophies and material possessions to show everyone else how “wealthy” he was (he was broke).
The other one started broke, and habitually built his wealth and his business the quiet, old fashioned way without feeling the need to prove anything to anyone - he just kept on being himself without putting on airs or trying to keep up with the Joneses, whoever they even are (and he actually is wealthy).
One of these guys has spent a million dollars - probably a lot more than that at this point.
The other one is an actual millionaire.
Do you see the difference?
If you have a million dollars and you spend it all, you are broke with no options - and with a net worth of $0.
If you have a million dollars and you invest it all into appreciating assets (especially real estate!) while continuing to work to keep the day to day bills paid, you are progressively more wealthy, calling the shots in your own life and with a net worth that grows larger and larger with each passing year.
Eventually, you can step away from working for someone else completely if you so choose.
Does this mean that having nice things are bad? Of course not! It just means that having nice things won’t inherently increase your value as a human.
Want some proof?
Go have a conversation with a five year old. They could care less about what you have or what you drive. They care a TON about whether or not you listen to them, engage with them and make an effort to understand where they’re coming from and what they’re interested in.
And guess what? My five year old loves my plumber!
Want to know a secret? This actually never changes, no matter how old you are. We just pretend that it does based on professional hierarchies and social constructs and so on. But everyone just wants to be heard, seen and listened to. Nothing fancier than that.
So! Instead of focusing on the next pay cycle, why not focus on who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world?
You can focus on your own awesomeness and what it might look like to be a better listener or a more empathetic colleague or spouse or friend! And you can start this today, no matter who you work for (or don’t!)
Remember, marketers are professional liars. No one cares about the kind of car you drive or the brand of clothes you wear.
Everyone cares about how you make them feel - doesn’t matter if you’re 5 or 55.
You don’t have to buy anything new or fancy to prove your worth to the world. You’re already worthy by virtue of being here - and so is everyone else.
If you already feel worthy, you’ll treat others as worthy - they’ll notice, and they’ll love you for it.
If you feel like you aren’t worthy until you own/have X, you’ll treat others as pawns in your game to achieve X (even if you swear up and down that you don’t) - and you better believe they’ll also notice, and get as far away from you as possible (whether or not they’ll ever tell you to your face).
Forget that nonsense. Embrace how cool you already are.
Even if you don’t believe it, read this again and hang your hat on me saying so - you are already a masterpiece! You are already a complete, valuable awesome human being regardless of your material possessions or lack thereof.
And if someone else tells you that you aren’t good enough to be their friend if you don’t have X or make X amount money?
Um, I’m sorry - but is that person even a real friend to begin with? Nah. They don’t know you or see you or value you for who you are and what you bring to the table. They just want to use you to increase their own perceived validation.
Forget them. And forget the hype around fancy possessions and bigger paychecks. It’s a bunch of nonsense that will get you absolutely nowhere.
Instead, head into the world as your most authentic, genuine and fully expressed self - ready to be present in the moment, truly listening to and engaging with others.
Then? Sit back and enjoy the ride. It’s about to get a heck of a lot better.